You can’t do it alone: a lesson about Moses

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Moses has done something wrong. You may think this is surprising for a Rabbi to say about our tradition’s most important forebear, but this critique comes from Moses’ father-in-law, Yitro, in our Torah portion this week.

Over the last few weeks, Moses and the Israelites have been through a whirlwind. They have witnessed the ten plagues, escaped Egypt, drunk water from rocks and eaten food that formed like dew. They have been victorious in battle and complained nearly every step of the way. And now, in the breather between war and G-d’s revelation at Sinai, Yitro, Moses’s father-in-law, makes his appearance at the foot of the mountain. As you read, try to notice who he brings with him and how often they are mentioned.

 “When Yitro…father-in-law of Moses, heard all that G-d had done for Moses and …brought Israel out of Egypt…Yitro, Moses’ father-in-law, took Tzipporah, Moses’ wife, after she’d been sent away, and her two sons — of whom one was named Gershom...and the other was named Eliezer…

Yitro, Moses’ father-in-law, brought Moses’ sons and wife to him in the wilderness, where he was encamped at the mountain of G-d. He sent word to Moses, ‘I, your father-in-law Yitro, am coming to you, with your wife and her two sons.’”

(Exodus 18:1-6, modified NJPS)

Surprise! We the readers didn’t know that Moses’ family wasn’t already with him! When the opening lines of our parashah state that Yitro took with him “Tzipporah, Moses’ wife, after she had been sent away,” this is the first time we’ve heard that she was sent away at all. When the Torah states that Yitro also brought Tzipporah’s two sons, Gershom and Eliezer, this is the first time we’re told that Eliezer even has a name! In our parashah, Yitro ensures that Moses’ family will explode into view. Their relational titles are stated again and again: ‘Moses’ wife,’ ‘your wife,’ ‘Moses’ children,’ ‘your children,’ ‘father-in-law,’ ‘your father-in-law.’

This is the first critique: Moses has forgotten about his family. They have been so unimportant to his story so far that we the readers didn’t know where they were or, in Eliezer’s case, what their names were. Yitro repeats their names and titles, pushing Moses to remember them. Moses, he says, is this the future you want? One where you are estranged from your family? Where those who think they know you well don’t know your second son’s name? Where you must be reminded you have a wife and children at all? This is your wife! These are your children! They have no other father or spouse, and you have no other family. I’m bringing them back to you!

After he arrives, Yitro begins to see the same pattern elsewhere: Moses is living without his family and leading without help. The next morning, Yitro accompanies Moses to work. He watches his son-in-law stand from morning to evening answering legal questions and resolving disputes. He sees the long line of litigants languishing in the desert heat and, when he can stand it no longer, pulls Moses aside for a bit of advice:

“What is this thing that you are doing to the people?! Why do you act alone, while all the people stand about you from morning until evening ? . . . The thing you are doing is not good; you will surely wear yourself out, and these people as well. For the task is too heavy for you; you cannot do it alone.” (Exodus 18:14, 17-18 NJPS).

Moses had fallen into the trap many of us find ourselves in: a simultaneously selfless and egotistical belief that for the work to be done correctly, it has to be done by us alone; others will just get in the way. Yitro instead suggests lower courts, presided over by judges Moses has trained. Only the most challenging cases will make their way to Moses himself. He won’t have to do it all himself.

We live in a solitary time. In the last 20 years, our time spent with other people has dropped by 20%, according to the American Time Use Survey. It hardly bears repeating the negative effects solitude has on mind, body and society, but it increases depression, lowers life expectancy and drives our politics to extremes. But even as time alone has risen, shockingly, reported feelings of loneliness have not. In fact, Gallup reported that loneliness dropped by about a third from 2021 to 2023. This mismatch between time spent alone and feelings of loneliness led Derek Thompson of The Atlantic to call this period “The Anti-Social Century.”

We might think that if people feel less lonely, maybe that means we don’t need each other as much. Yitro knows better.

Notice the words Yitro uses when speaking to Moses: “it’s not good”. The Hebrew phrase ‘lo tov’ (“not good”) has come only once before in the Torah: in Genesis, when Adam is created alone. G-d then says, “it is not good for the human to be alone” and makes Eve. Both times in the Torah where something is called ‘not good’ it is a person being alone. Yitro is a religious man; he knows what a meaningful life requires: other people whom we love and who love us. Moses, he says, you’ve got big things ahead of you. You’ll need a community of people around you. Let people help you, let your family love you.

If you want to build a meaningful life, you can’t do it by yourself.

RABBI ALEX FRIEDMAN is a rabbi at Temple Emanu-El in Providence.