What does it mean to be a good Jewish father?

A few years ago, in anticipation of the birth of his daughter, comedian Jimmy Kimmel dedicated a portion of his show to investigating “how to dad.” By asking a handful of young kids a series of questions about parenting, Kimmel effectively learned some major pillars of parenting, including, “don’t swear,” and how to change a diaper according to a 6-year-old.

But what makes a good dad in the context of Judaism? We talked to three different rabbis about fatherhood.

There is a passage in the Talmud that explains literally what a father should do for his child after birth, and it reads:

“A father is obligated to do the following for his son: to circumcise him, to redeem him if he is a first born, to teach him Torah, to find him a wife, and to teach him a trade. Others say: teaching him how to swim as well.”

Two of the three rabbis cited this passage as part of their understanding of fatherhood, including Rabbi Elyse Wechterman, the former rabbi of Congregation Agudas Achim in Attleboro, Mass.

“It’s a really bizarre quote, but I always like to quote it because of ‘teaching him how to swim,’” says Wechterman, a Reconstructionist rabbi and the mother of two.

The passage, she says, serves as a metaphor for the life lessons that a father must teach his children.

[The passage is teaching] “a love of learning, how to create meaningful relationships, how to be productive and contributing in the world, and the practical skills that one needs every day to survive. I think of that as resilience.

Teaching him how to stay afloat when things get tough.”

“The best model of parenting I know is my husband, David, who exhibits patience to no end with his children and himself,” she said, before adding “and with me!”

And the ability to work with your partner – or in another kind of child-rearing team – is an essential component to fatherhood, says Rabbi Marc Mandel, a father of six and is the rabbi of Congregation Jeshuat Israel at Touro Synagogue in Newport.

“I think it’s almost implicit in Proverbs,” says Mandel as he explains that the use of the word “parents” as opposed to “parent” is intentional. “Proverbs says that children should listen to their parents – plural – it has to be a joint effort.”

Modern technology, he says, has created a gap between children and their parents, so one must be thick-skinned in child-rearing. And in addressing the current increase in single-parent homes, Mandel says it’s OK to reach out to others outside the family for help.

“It’s very tough to do it on your own. Things are so complicated today; you have to work in a team,” says Mandel. “You have to find reinforcements to help. [Raising children] doesn’t have to be in the traditional way.”

Rabbi Andy Klein of Temple Habonim in Barrington has no children, but he has worked with many families who have them as well as directly with children.

“I’m not a parent, but I see lots of kids. I’ve seen lots of different kinds of parenting, and I’m sort of in awe,” he says. “It must be very difficult to know where that line is between helping them and protecting them.”

He shared a story told by a mother-of-the-bride at a wedding where he had officiated recently. The story, which was about the father’s reaction when the daughter was born, told of the importance of acknowledging your child’s independence. Klein was the second rabbi who brought up the Talmud passage about teaching your children to swim.

“When the mom was holding the baby,” said Klein, “the dad came up and looked and he said ‘… some day, some wonderful person is going to come along and kiss those precious lips.’ ” The mother, Klein said, continued: “That day is today. You’re getting married and this wonderful person has come along.”

“From the very beginning,” said Klein, shifting away from the story and into his interpretation of fatherhood, “he knew this child was not his property. This child was not going to stay a child forever. He knew he had a responsibility to raise this adult.”

And then the swimming passage re-surfaced.

“In the Talmud, it says a parent is required to teach your child to swim,” said Klein. “Go out there and teach your children to be independent. Our tradition is rich in teaching about making your children strong and independent.”

It seems that being a good father in Judaism is about fostering independence and resilience. Considering the stereotypes surrounding the Jewish mother of being a nurturing and ever-supportive parent, perhaps it’s a good counterbalance that makes for the perfect parenting team.

ARIEL BROTHMAN is a freelance write who lives in Wrentham, Massachusetts.